So this blog post is going to be terrible to write. It sucks, I’m uncomfortable, uneasy. I do not like to talk about these things on my social media platforms, but more often than not, my conscious will fight me- the one part of me says “no, this is my personal business, it has nothing to do with anyone” while the other says “…but you could be helping someone, you could make just even one person feel less alone in the world”. That’s when you start thinking that you some sort of Wonder Woman. As if it’s your duty.
A while ago, months ago really, in the first 3 months of the year, I went in to see my doctor with various problems. I was struggling to eat because I felt nauseous when I did, felt tired and drained most of the time, I always always worrying, tense and constantly scared, and would cry and close myself off to the world for periods of time. On the outside, everything looked like it was ok, because, thats me- I do not document the “bad” stuff. I found myself becoming more and more socially awkward- I did not like going out, and would close myself in the house on most of my free days. I went to my doctor, and after a long session, and lots of talking- she recommended that I speak to someone because it looked like I may be struggling from anxiety.
I was upset when she told me this. Really angry and confused. Why me? I love being around people (until that time), I was comfortable in social settings (until that time), I never had issues with sleeping or severe stress (until that time).
Everything was, UNTIL THAT TIME. I left the doctors offices, and immediately called my sister and told her. All she said was “that would make a lot of sense given how you’ve been recently”. I cried, spoke to her for a bit and then hung up. I did not want to be “this” person. I’ve seen this term thrown around so loosely lately, that even when someone is just sad, or having a tough day, they call it anxiety. Urgh. I didn’t want to be grouped into this particular group of people. That was not me. No. I remember the same day, I had a conversation with Sibu, a friend, and we spoke about this, because I knew he struggled through the same thing.
I realized then, that this, can affect ANYONE. Whether introvert, or extrovert. Happy, or sad. My particular diagnosis was GAD. Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which can be understood as the constant need to overly worry, always tense and concerned.
It’s honestly, debilitating.
I was struggling with my relationships. Had a fall out with a friend, work was stressful, still is, family life was challenging. Due to that I found myself, and my health, suffering. I wasn’t sleeping, barely eating, and just generally “off”. Due to the change in my body, life, I became anemic (this is due to another personal issue I’m struggling from), and I’ve been on medication for it and the anxiety ever since. I also see a therapist from time to time, and going through that as well. Since then, I’ve been working on taking time off, focusing on my health and well being.
WHY AM I TELLING YOU THIS?
I don’t know. Actually, I do. I’m not looking for pity, believe me, that’s the last thing I want. I’m ok. I am. My blog, is one of my most LOVED social media platforms. I love my blog, but since this, I’ve struggled to get back into it. With Youtube, it’s easy to just sit in front of a camera and talk (I’m alone, and it’s over in a few minutes). With the blog im forced to think about what I’m writing and construct it exactly how I want to. Due to this, I’ve deliberately stayed away. I’m telling you because I KNOW I’m not the only one, and speaking about it, is a sense of relief. It’s like coming up for air when you’ve been holding your breath for months.
If you are reading this, and you are in the same position, you are NOT alone. I’m right here with you. Some days are harder than others, it sucks, but I’m here for you if you wish to talk.
I’m not ready to speak about this in front of my camera yet, but THIS was the first step, rather HERE than anywhere else first. As with everything, not all of it will smell like roses, there’s also an ugly side too, but let this remind you that even your ugly parts are what make you beautiful. <3
It always gets dark, before the sun shines bright again…
My sister was honestly the one person who saw it first hand, and she was the one person who made it easier to smile again (smile and GENUINELY mean it). I can’t thank her enough for putting up with me, even when I didn’t know what was happening to me. I thank you for loving me, through it all. I owe you so much for putting up with it all. Her support has always been unwavering. I love you.
My family, have been amazing through this too. Well, only 2 of my family members really knew the exact of it, but even with the little that the other’s knew, the support has always been constant. I’m so blessed. I’m sooo lucky to call them my family. <3
So, that’s my truth.
That’s why I’ve been up and down on here.
Enough, I am feeling my stomach turn the more I type this.
If you’d like to talk, or reach me, drop me a mail on firstname.lastname@example.org <3 I’m rooting for you, yes you reading this- whatever you are going through, I’m rooting for you. Stay strong.
Until the next one,
Live in Light and Love <3