I genuinely am so upset as I write this post, because I REALLY, and I mean REALLY try and avoid writing anything negative, difficult or HARD on my blog. This is generally a happy space, and a good place where we share all things good, and keep it moving. Our love of life, love, good food, beauty and travel, is the central focus of this space. Well, MOSTLY.
Oh, by the way… hey. I hope you are doing well, and before I get into the ultimate shambles that is my life, or rather, that WAS my life over the past month, I want to know about you. You reading this. Are you ok? Are you doing well? How have you been? Let me know, I’ll leave my details at the end of this post. Secondly, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’ve been gone for this long, I’m sorry that one of my most loved platforms, was one that also brought me a lot of anxiety too. I’ll explain. Thirdly, thank you– for sticking around, and not unfollowing. It means the world to me. I really do appreciate it.
I am back, I do have content planned and ready to go, I AM BACK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!! I’m sorry I’ve been away this long!
STRUGGLE AND TRAUMA
After writing my last blog post, on my GAD, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. I felt the huge burden having left and given me the chance to reclaim my life, with the notion that I am stronger. I know better about myself, why my temperament is the way it is, and why I tend to have feelings of fear and sadness which I sometimes just cannot explain. I saw it as a challenge, to live better- stronger, and work on it, day by day. Tjuuuuu, little did I know of the blow that would hit me roughly about a week or two later. I have never, in my life experienced so much trauma, apart from the day I lost my mother. This, definitely comes in second. Call it a war between my body and my mind. Even though I’m really not in a place where I can talk about it NOW, I’m really still processing it myself, I went through a week of darkness really.
My body, did not correspond with my mind. It felt very foreign, unusual and cold. Physically I went though the most pain I’ve ever experienced- mentally, I was in a maze of just fuckery. Excuse my French. I was off work (on & off), for two weeks roughly, and of course, in and out of doctors offices (what’s new with my life right?). You can imagine what this did to my anxiety levels. I completely shut down. I was sad one day, extremely angry the next, and disappointed the next. I wasn’t in tune with myself like I normally am. It was a tough time. I struggled to make sense of why God has put me through this, and why is He punishing me like this. I refused to see it as what it ultimately was- divine intervention for a path I’d already chosen. Physically pain, brought about stress, and just generally being drained- ALL the TIME. I wanted to sleep, I wanted to rest.
I WANTED TO WRITE. NOTHING.
I felt like when I wrote (on my blog), my shame, dishonour, pain and confusion would seep straight into my words. I couldn’t do it. I tried to write makeup posts, nothing. Healthy eating posts, nothing. All that was on my mind was anguish, pain, and just feeling alone. I felt alone through what I had suffered, and I was ANGRY. Fuming at the thought of it all. I wanted to talk, I wanted to share- but I knew there would follow so many questions I could not answer thereafter.
So, I chose to ride the wave, deal with the pain, and learn myself and my body. I prayed, everyday, just for the strength to keep going, and God, NEVER failed me.
Nevertheless, I am better. I am SO much better. Breathing easier, taking things slower. I’m trying to, TRYING to, reclaim the life that I wanted to reclaim a month ago, until reality slapped me into shape. The thing is, nothing is ever what it seems. I really am thankful for my work ethic. I had pre recorded most of my content (Youtube), and pre drafted most of my social media (Facebook and Instagram posts), so when this happened, all the content that I wanted to post, was really just a click away. Shortly after what happened, happened, I was away from SM for a full week. No Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Youtube, nothing. I did not even log in. That’s how bad it all was. Slowly I came back into it with posts here and there, and trying again.
To make it short. I’m sorry. I went through a lot. I’m back now. I really am. Should something else spiral out of control, I’m closing up this blog and locking it up for good. LOL.
I appreciate you sticking around, and would love to know what you would like to see next in the upcoming blog posts. I would like to know how you’re doing though- hit me up on firstname.lastname@example.org if you’d rather not leave a comment. Other than that- it is NOT a drill. I’m back in full swing.
Until the next one,
Live in Light and Love <3