GUILT, ANGER AND PAIN- BEING OK AGAIN
Hello again my darlings! 🙂
I trust you are all well! As I said, blog posts will be coming more regularly, and that was not a lie! Today’s blog post is a little bit different as it looks at the emotions of guilt, anger and pain, more especially after suffering a loss. In July, I suffered a rather traumatic experience, which in reality, I’m not really ready to speak on (I will one day however, as I feel it is an important subject), but what threw me for a loop is the intense feeling of anger and guilt that followed that experience.
EMOTION #1- GUILT
This was probably the hardest one for me to get through. Guilt happens when you develop a sense of conflict with something you believe you should’ve (and in some cases, shouldn’t have) done. Whether if it be, if you should’ve spoken up about a situation you were witnessing that could have saved someone’s life, or whether having spoken up ended up making things worse then they already were. Guilt is so debilitating, as it takes up all your thoughts, throughout each and every day. It makes you feel less of yourself, upset, angry, depressed- guilt does this. You feel terrible about yourself. I was struggling with the thoughts that crossed my mind, how I allowed them to cross my mind, the actions that followed thereafter. It was upsetting to say the least. Even with writing this post I feel a lump form in my throat at how this was such a tough and terrible time.
What the guilt did:
- Interfered with all the decisions I was trying to make– I promised myself that I wanted to always be right, make the right decision going forward, but because of that, i struggled to make ANY decisions for the fear of being wrong.
- The over- desire to always make sure things were done RIGHT– I promised myself that I will never have to go through that again, and to avoid that, every action moving forward must be the right one.
- Debilitates you– I went quiet. Spoke to no one. Didn’t want to go out, or share in moments with friends/family. Nothing. Darkness & silence.
EMOTION #2 – ANGER
The anger came but was brief. This anger came like a wave of blaming myself, and sometimes others for the decisions that were made that caused things to come to a dramatic crumble. The anger came from a place where I asked myself “why did I have to deal with this?”. The blame was difficult to handle. Very.
It took a while for me to acknowledge that being ok, was only a matter of time. It may have seemed like it would’ve been forever, but in truth, it came quicker than I expected. Things that often alter your life, change it too. At times, for the better. The guilt, pain and anger, changed me ultimately. I understand more fully what empathy is and the importance of listening, to yourself, the people around you.
I found that closure takes time, happens more gradually and slower. This is a good thing.With feelings of loss, guilt and anger, you need more than enough time, to close certain doors, before others. Taking your time is imperative, just as much as going easy on yourself is just as important too. Eventually light comes, and some sense of normalcy returns back to your life. Guilt, Anger and pain, are part of the process of living through and absorbing loss, how you come out of it on the other side, is what matters most. <3
Until the next one,
Living in Light and Love <3